One of the most common things parents are told when raising an autistic child is, “They need practice making eye contact.” It might come from teachers, doctors, or even well-meaning friends and family. But here’s the truth: eye contact is hugely overrated—and for many autistic children, it can actually make things harder, not easier.
Let’s start with this: eye contact is a cultural expectation, not a universal requirement for connection. In some cultures, making eye contact is seen as disrespectful. For many autistic people, eye contact can feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, or even painful. It can take up so much mental energy that it makes it harder to focus on anything else—like listening to what someone’s saying or regulating emotions.
When we pressure autistic kids by saying “look at me when I’m talking to you,” we may be unintentionally telling them that how they naturally engage with the world isn’t okay.
That can chip away at their confidence, leading to genuine trauma, and make them feel like they have to perform or mask just to be accepted. It also shifts the focus away from what really matters: connection, communication, and trust.
Other “neurotypical” expectations imposed on autistic kids
Eye contact isn’t the only expectation placed on autistic kids. There are several other neurotypical behaviours that get a lot of attention—but might not actually support your child’s growth. In fact, forcing a child to be “more neurotypical” can lead to dysregulation and an increase in challenging behaviours in autistic children.
Sitting Still: Many autistic children need to move in order to think and regulate their bodies. Fidgeting, pacing, or using sensory aids like chew toys or stress balls aren’t signs of bad behaviour—they’re tools for self-regulation. Prioritising stillness over comfort can actually increase stress.
Using “Polite” Social Scripts: Pushing children to say things like “hello,” “thank you,” or “sorry” on demand can create anxiety, especially if they don’t feel ready or don’t understand why they’re saying it. Teaching authentic kindness and communication in their own time is far more meaningful.
Suppressing Stimming: Hand-flapping, rocking, or other forms of stimming are natural ways that autistic children manage energy, emotion, and sensory input. Suppressing stimming can lead to dysregulation and emotional distress. Letting your child stim freely shows that they are accepted as they are.
Making Friends “the Right Way”: Autistic children often socialise differently—through shared interests, parallel play, or one-on-one interactions. Encouraging them to build relationships in ways that feel natural to them fosters genuine connection, not forced conformity.
So, What Does Matter?
Here are three things that support your child’s wellbeing far more than eye contact or forced compliance:
1. Respect Their Communication Style
Some kids look away when they talk, focus on objects, or communicate non-verbally. That’s okay. When we respect their style, we send the message: I see you. I hear you. You matter.
2. Co-Regulate, Don’t Control
Focus on helping your child feel safe and calm. Sit beside them, engage in a shared activity, or just be quietly present. Emotional regulation starts with feeling safe.
3. Build Connection, Not Compliance
Let go of making your child “look typical.” Focus on moments of joy, shared interests, and trust. These are the foundations of growth.
Looking for personalised support?
At Autism Consultancy Services (ACS), we provide neuroaffirming, family-centred support tailored to your child’s unique needs. Whether you’re seeking practical strategies or advocacy in school settings, our experienced team is here to help.
Want to learn more, or need personalised support for your child? Get in touch to see how we can support your family.
