For autistic children, challenging behaviours are often a form of communication rather than intentional defiance. Behaviours such as meltdowns, shutdowns, aggression, or avoidance frequently stem from unmet needs, sensory overwhelm, difficulties with emotional regulation, or struggles in expressing thoughts and feelings. Instead of viewing these behaviours as problems to be ‘fixed,’ a neuroaffirming approach seeks to understand the underlying cause and support the child in ways that respect their neurology.

One highly effective way to do this is by reflecting feelings—a technique that validates emotions, helps children build self-awareness, and supports their ability to communicate in a way that reduces distress and frustration.

Understanding Behaviour as Communication

Many traditional approaches to behaviour management focus on stopping the behaviour itself, often using rewards or consequences. However, this can overlook the real issue: the child is struggling with something they may not yet have the words, strategies, or support to manage.

When we reframe behaviour as communication, we shift our response from control to connection and support. Instead of asking, “How can I make this behaviour stop?” we ask:

• What is my child trying to express?

• What unmet need is driving this behaviour?

• How can I help my child feel safe, supported, and understood?

By focusing on co-regulation rather than punishment, we teach autistic children how to navigate their emotions in a way that respects their unique way of processing the world.

Reflecting Feelings: A Powerful Tool for Supporting Autistic Children

One of the most effective ways to help autistic children manage emotions and reduce behaviours that indicate distress is reflecting their feelings. This technique is at the core of child centred play therapy, and involves acknowledging and naming what a child is experiencing without minimising or dismissing it.

Why Does Reflecting Feelings Help?

• Reduces Emotional Escalation – When a child feels understood, their nervous system begins to regulate. This can prevent a situation from escalating into a meltdown or shutdown.

• Supports Emotional Literacy – Autistic children may struggle with identifying and articulating their emotions. Reflecting feelings helps them build a vocabulary for their inner experiences.

• Builds Self-Awareness and Coping Skills – Over time, children learn to recognise their own feelings and develop strategies to express them in ways that feel safe and effective.

• Encourages Trust and Connection – When a child feels heard and validated, they develop a stronger sense of safety and trust in their caregiver, which helps reduce anxiety-driven behaviours.

Addressing Challenging Behaviour: A Neuroaffirming Approach

Instead of reacting to behaviour with frustration, reflect back what you observe in a neutral, validating way. This can be as simple as saying:

• “You’re really frustrated right now.”

• “That was unexpected, and it made you upset.”

• “You wanted to keep playing, and stopping feels really hard.”

• “You’re feeling overwhelmed by all the noise.”

Adding context can also help children make sense of their emotions:

• “You’re feeling sad because the routine changed, and that’s really hard.”

• “You’re angry because your block tower fell after all that work.”

• “You’re overwhelmed because there are too many people talking at once.”

This technique helps autistic children recognise their feelings, make connections between experiences and emotions, and, over time, develop ways to express their needs before distress escalates.

Beyond Words: Alternative Communication Supports

Not all autistic children communicate verbally, and that’s okay. Reflecting feelings can also be supported through:

• Visual emotion cards or communication boards – Offering images that represent different emotions can help a child point to how they feel.

• Body language and gestures – A gentle nod, an open hand, or simply sitting near a child can be just as validating as words.

• Offering choices – If a child is upset, providing simple options (“Would you like a break or a hug?”) can help them feel more in control.

From Reacting to Understanding

When we move away from reacting to challenging behaviour and instead focus on understanding, validating, and supporting, we create an environment where autistic children feel safe to express themselves. Over time, this reduces distress, strengthens communication, and fosters a sense of security and trust.

By reflecting feelings, we show autistic children that their emotions are valid, their needs matter, and that we are here to support them—not just when they’re regulated, but especially when they’re struggling.

Shifting the focus from behaviour to emotional understanding transforms not only how we support autistic children but also how they see themselves—capable, valued, and worthy of being understood.

CONTACT US TO BOOK CHILD CENTRED PLAY THERAPY

Further Reading:

• Landreth, G. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of Relationship (Third Edition). Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.

• Guerney, L., & Ryan, V. (2013). Group Filial Therapy: The Complete Guide to Teaching Parents to Play Therapeutically with Their Children. Philadelphia, PA: Jessica Kingsley.